20040919
eating disorders and the generations
how normal is this - my mother just said, 'i wish you would throw up the food you just ate so you would loose weight.'
my sister and i retorted, 'you want her to become bulimic?'
'you want me to become bulimic?'
and our mother sighed a sad sigh, hobbled to the couch to continue watching TV, and said, 'coz your stomach is big. you look fat.' and silently continued watching TV. you could hear her cluck every once in a while. you would hear her wipe her lip and let her hand drop 'slap' to her lap. right now she's quiet again and mesmerized with flickering lights emanating from the boob tube chatting away. it is the only other sound breaking the silence of this house, aside from my striking the keyboard and my other sibling jumping up and down the stairs, getting ready for bed.
how normal is that? that your mother would tell you to incur an eating disorder so you would loose weight? inducing a hurl would not only empties your stomach of your last meal - it also removes natural juices that break down food and absorb nutrients. that's why bulimic people eat a horse but never gain an ounce because they throw up everything that's supposed to help them absorb food.
i'm a little angry - i'm overweight, but i think i look all right. i can handle her disapproving of the way i look - it's forever going to be something she can't respect in me, but because i still live in her house, i will keep my mouth shut because i already cursed her, 'you want me to become bulimic? god damn.' while it is my mother i cursed, i think she deserved it. don't you?
she shifted her seating position and sighed once more. she bounces her leg and i wonder if she's really paying attention to the TV. she is my mother. she thinks i hang on to her every whim and mood. she is a widower, her mourning an anchor in her life. she likes to think her children still depend on her every syllable. until i move out, i'll need to ignore her shuffling feet and vacant expression as she stares at the TV. until i move out, her mysterious vision on how her married life should have been would always float a specter in our lives.
she must again be entertaining the thought that she will never know a grandchild anytime soon. one time she looked at me with laughter in her eyes, obviously not seeing me. it was march 17, st. patrick's day, and the parade had just passed. as is family custom, we followed opposite everyone else, and i looked back when a bottle was popped and a crowed cheered. 'one big party, the city,' a radio host commented from a sound booth abovestories at a downtown highrise, also observing a distance from the party. that day, my mother walked into a shop and bought a refrigerator magnet, 'grandparents at play,' and i smiled. i watched her pay for the magnet. i added it to our other purchases. i let her daydream a bit.
god give her happiness - god knows she's done all she can to make my siblings and i happy. i wonder what else she's seeking, but whatever it is, right here and right now, it's nary of interest to me. probably because of this latest of her quack remarks, this time on what we should do to turn ourselves into the skinny, beautiful women in her generation's mind's eye. probably because she's more than 25 years removed from my reality. she is my mother; she isn't me. god forgive my hardness of heart toward her. ¶ 9/19/2004 11:20:00 PM
my sister and i retorted, 'you want her to become bulimic?'
'you want me to become bulimic?'
and our mother sighed a sad sigh, hobbled to the couch to continue watching TV, and said, 'coz your stomach is big. you look fat.' and silently continued watching TV. you could hear her cluck every once in a while. you would hear her wipe her lip and let her hand drop 'slap' to her lap. right now she's quiet again and mesmerized with flickering lights emanating from the boob tube chatting away. it is the only other sound breaking the silence of this house, aside from my striking the keyboard and my other sibling jumping up and down the stairs, getting ready for bed.
how normal is that? that your mother would tell you to incur an eating disorder so you would loose weight? inducing a hurl would not only empties your stomach of your last meal - it also removes natural juices that break down food and absorb nutrients. that's why bulimic people eat a horse but never gain an ounce because they throw up everything that's supposed to help them absorb food.
i'm a little angry - i'm overweight, but i think i look all right. i can handle her disapproving of the way i look - it's forever going to be something she can't respect in me, but because i still live in her house, i will keep my mouth shut because i already cursed her, 'you want me to become bulimic? god damn.' while it is my mother i cursed, i think she deserved it. don't you?
she shifted her seating position and sighed once more. she bounces her leg and i wonder if she's really paying attention to the TV. she is my mother. she thinks i hang on to her every whim and mood. she is a widower, her mourning an anchor in her life. she likes to think her children still depend on her every syllable. until i move out, i'll need to ignore her shuffling feet and vacant expression as she stares at the TV. until i move out, her mysterious vision on how her married life should have been would always float a specter in our lives.
she must again be entertaining the thought that she will never know a grandchild anytime soon. one time she looked at me with laughter in her eyes, obviously not seeing me. it was march 17, st. patrick's day, and the parade had just passed. as is family custom, we followed opposite everyone else, and i looked back when a bottle was popped and a crowed cheered. 'one big party, the city,' a radio host commented from a sound booth abovestories at a downtown highrise, also observing a distance from the party. that day, my mother walked into a shop and bought a refrigerator magnet, 'grandparents at play,' and i smiled. i watched her pay for the magnet. i added it to our other purchases. i let her daydream a bit.
god give her happiness - god knows she's done all she can to make my siblings and i happy. i wonder what else she's seeking, but whatever it is, right here and right now, it's nary of interest to me. probably because of this latest of her quack remarks, this time on what we should do to turn ourselves into the skinny, beautiful women in her generation's mind's eye. probably because she's more than 25 years removed from my reality. she is my mother; she isn't me. god forgive my hardness of heart toward her. ¶ 9/19/2004 11:20:00 PM
