ulanmaya
20041023
  the best voice
the best voice comes from sarah mclachlan. her version of "prayer of st. francis" currently spins in my freind's xanga, francis. the song's included in the buffy soundtrack. buffy rocks!!! oh ya. :-)

francis is a strange character. he's a priest. we saw him through a decade of study. i'm so proud of him. our recent goofy picture had me pointing to his roman collar, the sun shining right in our faces. i'm reminded of how old we all really are right now - lines like the miles we've trudged show up all over our faces each time we laugh.

he blogged about his latest bout of moodiness, and now everyone is sad. boo. there is never an opportune time for downers. we don't have time for that.

he said he'll pray about his sadness. i don't get that. i've never understood that. when i was still leading a youth group at school, i didn't have time to dwell on such things, so i think that's why i never really experienced being down down. they said they take away the unhappiness by praying about it.

prayer is great. it gives you a set structure of things to do so you can forget about your unhappiness - which is basically the chaotic dishevelling, dismantling of everything that's structured in your life, right? by reciting something repetedly, you move on to the next bead, the next chant, on and on until by repetition you think about what you're saying. that somehow rearranges and structures the chaos in your head. it also takes up a lot of time so by the time you're done, you think of how less time you now have for everything else you hafta do! ahaha.

when i was still leading a youth group, there was this one priest who wanted to "dedicate" us to the Lord. he lead us to a short prayer and then faced the altar, asking God to lead us in the way He wants us to go.

we're catholic, by the way. :-)

i never got that. i wondered what that meant, but at that time, it wasn't the thing to ask questions. just recently in new york city i was able to spend some time with my host and their priest friend. (eek. i owe them a phone call. i gotta say hi at least.) before we knew it, it was 4 a.m. and we still had to drive to my host's house. i finally understood the structures of his arguments, like the steel frames of a highrise under construction, but i sure as hell wasn't sure if i believe all of it.

it would be easier to just succumb and believe.

another friend of mine said that there isn't anyone who fully, completely, believes in any single faith wholeheartedly. there's always holes to fill, questions, concepts unreacheable. it's just human.

when we tried to nail down concepts that night, fr. big bear (because he really is a big bear), my host and i, they eluded us like hungry butterflies looking for nectar. we played with opposites and what ifs. i was so glad he had also been a teacher of theology, because if he were otherwise, i don't think i would have been open enough to ask questions and receive tutelege.
 
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