i am totally addicted on something, and it sucks. it sucks because i'm not sure what it is. i don't smoke. i don't drink to get drunk. i don't drive, ahahahaha. i think it is travelling, like going someplace to explore it. but it can't be that, because i just came back from florida. i'm still relishing my experiences, i have pix to edit, i have gifts to give away. i've new hobbies waiting. i have old hobbies rusting.

it's leaving a stale taste on my tongue even though i've brushed my teeth. just now colleagues wanted to know if i wanted to order a cheeseburger from blackie's, and looking at the menu, i was soooooooooooooooooooooooo uninterested. but i ordered a bleu cheese burger, well done, because i didn't want to turn down an invite. well, also because i haven't tasted anything from that joint before, ahahahaha.

i think it is human contact. dude. i fed off nick, the poor bro:

ulanmaya (6:43:27 PM): i left a message on your cell but i can't stop laughing

nick (6:43:36 PM): Ya, I get messages like, "ummm... you might as well not have a phone... I can't even reach you through your cell..."

ulanmaya (6:44:03 PM): i wanted to say, "hi, nick. this is your phone. you've left me again in your glove compartment. it's stuffy in here. i was made for daylight! how dare you deny that! get me outta here!!!"

nick (6:44:15 PM): hahahahaha

nick (6:44:17 PM): yeah

nick (6:44:22 PM): I feel sorry for my phone sometimes

nick (6:44:39 PM): 'cause sometimes, when I get it from the compartment, it's hot

but then when i do get it, like when someone is happy i finally emailed them back, they go, "how are you!!!" geniunely happy to hear from me. i shrink from that coz it reminds me of high expectations that i totally can't meet. i mean, i'm not funny enough for that. ahahahaha.

working the night side for all these years also reminds me how slim pickings i get for almost everything: assignments, gossip (meaning news on good things, like events; i try to ignore bad news about people because i don't want to think of what's being said behind my back), things like that. i've started the strangest hobbies all because i know i can't bother people at night, and they can't bother me coz i'm working.

and so i started travelling. i've always wanted to do that, anyways, but just this weekend i relearned something else: it is an even sadder fate if you start business with people just so you have human contact. coz everyone is asleep when you're awake, and vice versa. coz the weekends are usually always filled and it's a little embarassing to ask for people to go out with the last minute.

but yes - it's a little embarassing, but only depending on certain groups. but still. yea, it's a pride thing that i hafta shed. i've been blessed enough with people who actually won't mind if i join at the very last minute, ahahaha.

i've also been blessed to meet people who don't care whether you're single or not. ahahaha. although, from someone who's never been hijacked ferreals before, i can't tell the difference. i actually end up joining people who're securely latched, and better, married, ahahaha. i dunno why. i think i end up treating them like parents, ahahaha. coz when you're married, you usually have a car, and a car is good to take you places. woot! ahahaha.

but what gets me really down is when people who have someone in their lives end up flaunting them, like there's something wrong with people who choose to be single. people like me, working and old, get that a lot from people our parents' age. and yes, it is infinitely worse if you get that look and vibe from people your age: you don't need yet another reminder of what you're missing, of in what else facet of life you need improving. a friend and i recently shrugged our shoulders and ended up putting on our confused faces: well, i hope that when i finally get down on my knees for someone, i won't loose my own identity in the process. ahahaha. even though i know how intoxicating that can be.

mmmm... bleu cheeseburger from blackie's, and just coz it's friday. should not make this a habit, it was expensive! ahahahaha.
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