the why of all things
first sent to someone else. ahahaha.

you're not the only one who went "whoa?" about sfc conference, ahahaha. most everyone who's already been in community for a while went varying degrees of "wow" to "eh," coz they were distracted by the parks, been to that hotel coz cfc conf was there or were pleased by how smoothly the event was managed. it still started and ended late, like always, ahahahaha. but that's ok.

i can't tell you right now why i went. i just know that if i didn't, i'd be denying myself a huge chunk of my life. i was so glad i went because i was made happy, happy like a drug, by friday's opening night extravaganza, ahahahaha - the praise parade, the bands, the dances, the worship. i might be out of practice, but i totally loved how the FTWs managed to patch any lulls in the program.

but i was also reminded of why i decided to leave the community alone, ahahaha. the conference, because it was built that way, tasted like the richest, rarest chocolate on the planet. it is the only place you would find brothers stand up and assert themselves, almost seizing focus from the speaker. i was embarrased for them. until now, i'm not sure what to make of these outbursts, whether they're asserted by God or by their own elation and happiness at being affirmed for who they are in Christ. it was the only place sisters, i think, won't be laughed at for being too beautiful in front of a crowd and also asserting themselves.

i'm actually thoroughly confused. but i know it's a big deal only if i try to explain myself to people who consider groups like cfc crazy. i just knew it was a venue with people i unequivocably trust. i'm racist like that ahahahahaha. as if the other groups i've joined i can't trust any more.

i don't know the amount of confusion i caused by showing up and actually having fun at an sfc conference, of all things, ahahaha, but if emails at the chicagosfc yahoogroups are any indication, it was a good thing:

I also invite all SFC brothers and sisters, ones active and not so active, to attend the CLP even if you are not part of the service team. Your presence is a great grace and witness for everyone; especially the participants. Not only that, the CLP vineyard is still growing with participants and we need more workers. - Matt Funovits

i know that for now, i don't want to be committed to sfc as if my life depended on it ahahaha - that's how i was before. i'm no witness, and i have so many things i need to fix in my life for now that i know i need to do on my own without anyone holding my damn hand, ahahahaha. for one, i need to learn how to drive. how am i gonna visit y'alls in socal if i don't rent a car? ahahahaha. but i know i want to do more radical things on my own. i might do next year's GK GAT, we'll see. i have to save money and vacation days for that, again.

i know whatchu're thinking - how the hell could i change in just a shade shy of a year, when just last october you, me and someone else were ranting how bad, bad, BAD sfc was that it's impossible for us to return. ahahahaha. i can't answer that without unravelling and sending you a novel. but dude, i need to get back to work. i've been writing this email for two days now, ahahahaha. hope all this made sense. sorry i have to cut it short for now. i know you didn't ask for a long email, but i just wanted to be real. if you want i can call and we'll talk. i shoulda just done that to begin with. hehehehehe. your blog rants are hilarious, as always. thanks for asking, glad to know you are thriving over there in socal. :-)

take care.
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