rest it is 4:25 a.m. i really would like to sleep now, but i am afraid of what thoughts will come to me in the middle of the night. i'm not afraid in the conventional sense. this is where vocabulary fails me. or the other way around.

i'm not afraid. i'm wary. is that the word? let's pretend that's the word.

we're all plagued by some thing that keeps us awake at night - worries big and small, including that it is 4:30 a.m. and there's nothing you can do about it until daylight.

i groan when those thoughts come, i know i won't be equipped to deal with them. i would like to be asleep by then, i would like to be resting because i need it. i need rest so i can function well enough the following day. but how can you rest when a thousand invasive thoughts pummel you incessantly? - or when the caffein does? :-P

that last sentence makes me stop and think. it sounds like a symptom of something else - a sign of aging. ahaha - addictions and plans mix in the middle of the night to form sleeplessness. you learn how to cook your own caffein.

when thoughts like that don't stop bugging me, i turn over and hope that my next sleeping position is better than the last. i realize that the nagging thoughts are caused by people, situations and things that aren't me, that are beyond my control. it's robbery. and i'm the only one there to defend my peace. and all i want is a good night's rest.

thankfully, strangely, mercifully, i sink into a stupor and win... zzzz. ...  ¶ 10/14/2005 04:52:00 AM